Ever feel like you're living inside yourself? Trapped within the confines of your own paradigm. I do not mean an inner self, existing in depravity, ignored and denied expression. I am talking of an actual self, which breathes through a fine cloak of deception. The irony is I am only deceiving myself, as I lie, hidden behind my own being, only to emerge, when weakened in mind and spirit; too weakened to continue the lie. It is confusing...trust me..I have often lost the threads of reasoning in an attempt to understand.
I do not expect many, if any at all, to comprehend what this babble tends to entail. The writing is for myself (which one, of my selves, i have yet to decipher). Hence, should you feel at a complete loss, rest assured; it means you are utterly sane.
I have termed it deception, but it falls short of such cryptic note. It would have been different had the self, being presented to the world, been a conscious maneuver to display certain values and the other self(ves), hidden to exist only in solitude, purposely suppressed to contain certain traits. How can I explain that I am only chasing my self? I am as strong as I am weak; I am as true as I am fickle; how can I explain that I exist as right and wrong? How can I explain that I am as real on the outside as I am inside? I can't.
There are days when i feel whole...and one. Those are good days...moments of serenity. Such periods of normalcy resemble the calm before a storm...peacetime offerings to a man about to wage war on an enemy unseen yet completely paralleled. I live in these short spasms of respite, till my struggle is born anew; a struggle, which reigns hard and tears away part or all of the good in me, leaving me bare.
It cannot go on for long...this mistrust of self sense. Each struggle takes away another breath...and in its turn places the seed of delife. I was allured...then confused...at times I tried to take control...and now, I lie cast aside, for it is no longer in my hand. It now remains in my hand.
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